Disabled yet still sexual
Cyntha Gonzalez, a Transpersonal Psychology Counsellor, Tantric Healer and Holotropic Breathwork facilitator shares her friend’s story on navigating the sexual realm in a wheelchair…
While visiting Ireland, I popped in to see my friend, Martin, who used to live and work in Dubai. When I first knew Martin, he was a key architect on The Dubai Mall project. Five years ago, he had a stroke, leaving him paralyzed down the right side of his body, deaf in his left ear and with a frozen left side of his face and mouth. After being in ICU in Dubai for three months, unable to move or speak and then six months in a rehab unit in Northern Ireland, where he regained his basic functions, it was time to live independently.
Over dinner, Martin sat in his black, super-duper motorized wheelchair and we talked about how dramatically his life has changed. At one point, he put his fork down from his very able left hand and looked at me with serious intent. “Cyntha, would you believe that while I was in rehab for six months, they taught me to swallow again, eat, talk, tie my shoes, but never, ever mentioned, let alone addressed, my sexuality?” He continued, “First of all, of course they don’t warn you that everything that gets shut down…reawakens!
“As I left the rehab unit, my psychologist reminded me that I would have to begin to re-negotiate my sense of self. But as a young man, and a sexually interested one at that, there was a whole other re-negotiation that had to take place. They have rehab nurses who work with older married stroke patients to reintroduce them to their sex lives, but never us single lot. I would joke with my therapists about how it would be to French kiss someone with a half paralyzed face, but no one ever offered to be my guinea pig! These were real issues in my ‘new’ life.
“So there I was, back in the world with a sound mind and healthy masculine energy, but with half my body frozen and wheels where my legs used to be. There would be no chasing someone around the bedroom for me! Pillow talk would be difficult since I can’t whisper easily and I’m deaf in the left ear. My partner would perhaps kiss my left side of my face, but I wouldn’t feel anything! She would have to kiss the right side – and remember!
“The biggest issue was my ego. As a man, I struggled (in my head) with the usual male preoccupations of ‘performance’ – from being fit, dressing well and looking attractive to the opposite sex, to physical performance. Especially sexual performance! I mean, who would want to be seen being chatted-up by a guy in a wheelchair who looked like he’d had a bad dental visit, and then, what would happen later when the lights went out?
“But I realized, these were egoistical concerns. And having banished that ego once with the loss of an old me, I knew I could do it again.
“I was blessed to have one relationship that re-awakened the more physical side of things but it was a very basic encounter for both of us and while it would have been easy to think, ‘beggars can’t be choosers,’ I knew if I was to live authentically, I needed more than that. I needed the flow between hearts, the flow between eyes, as well as the flow between genitals.
“And then a whole other world opened to me – a woman who looked beyond her own me, me, me and looked beyond wheelchairs and frozen limbs and got behind my eyes and wanted to see the world in a different way.
“And this is where the ego really gets killed off. I am currently not able to move my body in the so-called ‘normal’ ways. So, for example, the missionary position is out. Gymnastics aren’t on the table either. I can’t always surprise my partner. But our brain is the biggest sexual organ. I can still talk erotically. I can compliment her. My sense of smell is fine.
“The most comfortable position is with my partner ‘on top’. So while I lure out her feminine ‘surrender’ to my masculine ‘presence’, this position demands my ‘surrender’ in the physical realm. But, much more than that, it allows us both to experience a very deep communion. So, it’s less about gymnastics and more about allowing the light of love flow.
“Don’t get me wrong, gymnastics have their place in our sexual theatre, and I have discovered that I want to move more and I try, sometimes with hilarious results. As a man, asking your partner to help pull you back up the bed, calls for a certain humility. Yes, the ego is a shadow of its former self!
“Ours is more, what you might call ‘sexual yoga’, this communion goes beyond the physical. Whatever attractiveness I had as a man before stroke is apparently still there. My partner sees me as a man and as a soul.”
After such inspiring, sincere frankness, I asked Martin what he wished he had received from the rehab unit when it came to post-stroke sexuality. Without hesitation, he rattled off a list of ideal conversations that serve as a model for future patients:
Conversation 1
You have had a stroke. You are the same person in the head. You may want to get out there. As a young, active person, your sexual life is not over.
Conversation 2
We would like to speak to you as a single person. Are you still feeling active in your sensations and desires? Do you even want to talk about it? Let’s make a tailor-made programme for you as a stroke survivor.
Conversation 3
How do you seduce someone when you come out of rehab? You are in a wheelchair. Many people never have had any contact with a wheelchair. The wheelchair can be a big visual turnoff. If you went to a bar, you will be sitting at breast level. It might be a nice compensation, but difficult to converse at. It’s better to sit together at the same level so you can talk properly.
Conversation 4
Get out there and meet like-minded people in environments that you feel comfortable in. And, a wonderful film that depicts a true story of a disabled man’s sexual blossoming is The Sessions with Helen Hunt.
I deeply thank Martin for his open willingness to share his story. He is committed to bridging this wide gap of ignored sexuality in disabled persons and is willing to be contacted to offer support at: imjoe90@me.com
