The Art of Spiritual Divorce
By Cyntha Gonzalez
Most of us will experience a breakup of a love relationship. Approximately 50% of us who marry will eventually divorce. Most marriages kick off with a lavish wedding ceremony, whereas a divorce usually culminates in a court of law with no spiritual or emotional holding as a couple parts ways.
A tantric goddess or god aspires to embrace all of life and death, to surrender to the unknown, to let go, stay awake and feel all that the present moment offers. Ego boundaries dissolve and the face of the Divine is seen in the other. Love rules on the tantric path. The spiritual seeker is equally invited to let go and ride the separation journey as mindfully and lovingly as the path of union.
A marriage is overall conscious or unconscious. In a conscious marriage, the couple brings awareness to how the unhealed past shows up in the power struggles and ego clashes that arise, and takes the steps towards its healing. An unconscious marriage is when the couple is caught in a volatile dance of inner child reactivity and unclaimed projections. Ego games, codependency and fear rule.
A separation or divorce may equally be conscious or unconscious. To the degree that the marriage was conscious, the way is paved for a conscious divorce or conscious uncoupling (to use this new buzzword). Sometimes the shock and resulting pain of a separation breaks one or both partners wide open and they will do anything to alleviate such intense suffering. The light is finally able to get in.
As with any death, there are steps of grieving to come to full letting go. Forgiveness of the other and oneself is vital to this process. But before that can authentically happen, here are those keys steps:
1. Anger: Good ol’ raw anger is felt and expressed.
2. Bargaining: Could we make it work after all?
3. Betrayal: The fire of betrayal is felt.
4. Blame and Guilt: Doubt, guilt and a deep reckoning with oneself eventually take hold. Victim consciousness is confronted.
5. Depression: A varying degree of depression is normal and expected. It’s a gestation time-out, getting the person ready for the next stage.
6. Sadness: It renders us open, highly vulnerable and surrendered. Once we have let the raw sadness rip our heart open, we are primed to see the other beyond our own ego’s agenda.
7. Comprehension: We begin to see our partner for whom he or she is, what unhealed pain we each brought in and what no longer worked.
8. Compassion: We move into a more sensitive place, where we feel empathy and compassion for ourselves, for the other, for the relationship itself and all we played out.
9. Forgiveness: We let go of resentments and grievances that have been tempered by the understanding and compassion we now have. We extend our open heart.
10. Acceptance: We accept it all could not have happened any other way. We see the Divine Perfection in our coming together, to ultimately heal and be birthed into our more Authentic Self.
11. Rebirth: We move on with humility, joy and freedom. A new life is created.
In my years as a counsellor and coach, I have assisted many to end their relationship with consciousness and a spiritual perspective. When the couple has integrated the above steps enough, I lead them through the following divorce/separation ritual. Sometimes the separating partners conduct it by themselves. Occasionally one partner is unwilling to participate in the ritual. I hold the space and we invite his or her Higher Self into an empty chair and we adapt accordingly.
Relationship Closure Ceremony
(It is advised to go through each step together, one at a time)
1. Choose an appropriate venue where there will be no interruptions. Turn off all mobiles.
2. Face each other sitting.
3. Start with a moment of silence to center yourselves. Pray for your Higher Selves to show up and participate. Pray for Higher Guidance to hold this ritual and work through each of you.
4. Take turns recounting:
a. How you each met
b. What attracted you on the physical, emotional and spiritual levels
c. What the other inspired in you
d. Your hopes for the relationship at the time
5. Recount what you learned from the other, the special shared experiences and the support of the other during the course of the relationship. Each takes a turn.
6. Recount the tests of character and tests of forgiveness that occurred during the relationship. Each takes a turn.
7. If there is any unfinished business, now is the time to express it, forgive it and bring it to closure, i.e. any grievances that have been difficult to forgive, any unexpressed gratitude, any unexpressed feelings. This is to be shared from a wise, Higher Self perspective, acknowledging the reality that some conflict may still not be completely healed, but is on its way.
8. Key moment: Time to RELEASE the other. Time to release the other to go forward and make their life alone or with another, as they feel called to do. This is equivalent to taking vows in a marriage. It is its reciprocal opposite. This moment energetically dissolves the union as it was before.
9. State an intention of how you would like to see a continued friendship or not. Express what feels the wisest way to handle any future relating. If there are children, honor how you will co-parent together.
10. End with a closing prayer of gratitude. Offer yourselves up to be blessed and for Divine Guidance to work through you as you let go and move on.
We do ourselves and the world a great service when we close a relationship properly. We symbolically or literally bow to each other, like in much tantric relating and are taken to the Divine just as strongly as ecstatic lovers, just via a different ticket.
For more information go to www.cynthagonzalez.com
